Witty quotes are one of the smartest way to express blunt, direct, sarcastic or/and humorous remarks. These remarkable witty quotes and sayings can be handy in times of battle of the wits. We even turn the best wittiest, sarcastic and funny witty quotes into images/pictures in case you want to share in your social media sites. So, we hope that you enjoy these compilation of witty quotes with images. We will keep adding more.

Witty Quotes, Funny, Clever, Sarcastic Witty Quotes

  • Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.

  • Some people just need a high-five… In the face… With a chair.

  • The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t store all this personality.

  • Who gossips to you will gossip about you.

  • Don’t take life so seriously, it isn’t permanent.

  • Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

  • Once you learn how to be happy, you won’t tolerate being around people who make you feel anything less.

  • Light travel faster than sound that’s why some people seem bright until they talk!

  • Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right. – Henry Ford

  • There are three kinds of people in the world. People who make things happen. People who watch things happen and people who say “What happened?”

  • Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.

  • Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it. Sincerely, the opportunist.

  • I live in my own world but it’s okay. They know me there.

  • If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

  • As I grow older, I pay less attention to what people say…i just watch what they do.

  • Arguing with a fool proves there are two. – Doris M. Smith

  • Friends are those rare people who ask how you are and then wait to hear the answer.

  • One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.

  • I don’t miss him; I miss who I thought he was.

  • When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before. – Mae West

  • Just when you thought the entire world has forgotten about you…a bill collector calls to remind you that they will never forget about you.

  • Many have an image of me. Few get the picture.

  • When someone says “you’ve changed”, it simply means you’ve stopped living your life their way.

  • Be yourself because an original worth more than a copy.

  • Don’t do something permanently stupid just because you’re temporarily upset.

  • Everybody is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes.

  • There are two rules in life. 1. Never give out all of the information.

  • If money doesn’t grow on trees why do bank have branches?

  • If you have nothing to be grateful for, check your pulse.

  • Common sense is not so common.

  • It’s recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours. – Harry S Truman

  • I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde

  • I may never get out of this world alive but I’ll die trying.

  • Never let the things you want make you forget the things you have.

  • Whoever said the pen was mightier than the sword has obviously never met an automatic weapon. – General Arthur MacDouglas

  • The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. – Albert Einstein

  • Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other. – Honoré de Balzac

  • You never learn anything by doing it right.

  • I am not fat, I am just easier to see.

  • Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies. – Oliver Goldsmith

  • I am not arguing. I am simply explaining why I’m right.


  • Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.

  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

  • Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

  • Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

  • Don’t raise your voice, improve your argument.

  • Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

  • To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart.

  • Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. – Benjamin Disraeli

  • Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.

  • People are made to be loved and things are made to be used. There is much chaos in this world because things are being loved and people are being used.

More Witty Quotes and Sayings

There are so many one-liner witty quotes that you might enjoy as well. Here are they:

  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.
  • You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him. – Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
  • Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it.
  • Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
  • If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research.
  • Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  • Take my advice — I’m not using it.
  • If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
  • Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
  • If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
  • I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  • People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
  • Only dead fish go with the flow.
  • If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.
  • I don’t have a bad handwriting. I have my own font.
  • Magnify you Skills…or else modify your Goals.
  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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